I'm grateful every moment of everyday. I love the 2am, 4am and sometime all night nursings. I love holding her whenever I want and not having to put her down. I love watching the girls with her and seeing their bonds grow! It's amazing how much more I embrace all the good, bad and ugly of having a newborn. Or maybe it's just that I'm more aware of how very precious this time is!
On the flip side, I worry more. Each squeak or rasp sends me into a panic. I find myself checking to see if she's breathing every few moments when she is asleep. If she sounds stuffy or won't settle down, my mommy heart speeds up. I don't know if these fears of her regressing will ever go away.
I also wonder if she would be a different sort of baby if she wasn't in the NICU. For instance she loves tummy time. So is it a trait for being in the NICU and being laid on her tummy, or is she just a naturally a belly kid. Or she is so chill and just likes to watch everything. Is it from the time laying in her crib for hours or...... I try not to ponder all of that much. I can change the past, and truthfully I love her for her. Wether or not the traits came from being a NICU baby, they are a part of her completely. And I love her.
I'll never forget the day we brought her home (or any of those 2 weeks and 5 days). But the moment we were all five together finally is etched in my heart. I remember feeling like the last part of the lock finally fell into the place and we opened up this amazing love. Our family is whole and it's wonderfully perfect!!!!!